Cellulitis scaring

After The c-section for Paul I got a bacterial infection around my incision called cellulitis. No, this is not what women complain about having on their thighs and butt, it's an actual infection caused by Streptococcal or staphylococca bacteria which can enter through the cesarian scar. This is how mine came about, causing my incision site to ooze slightly then have other symptoms: skin red and warm to the touch, some pain (if any, but I attribute that to the massive amount of drugs I was already taking for the pain), fever, chills, and inflammation of skin around the incision. My inflammation wasn't around but rather above the incision. I don't think I would have even noticed something was wrong if it hadn't been for the bloody tape over the seuteurs. I remembered that with Erin's c-section I didn't have blood showing. So I called attention to it. And I'm glad I did, cause if the infection got too bad I would have had to stay at the hospital even longer.
But now that my belly is somewhat flattening out I am able to see the scaring a little better. I could always feel it though... The inflammation made my skin look and feel like red cottage cheese. It was numb where the infection was and has slowly started to get feeling back. But now my loosened skin reveals an even more stretch-mark type of battlefield. It still feels a bit like cottage cheese is under my skin's surface: normal skin tightness and elasticity with bits and chunks of stretched non-elastic skin mixed in at random. It feels very odd. I'm not as worried about my real birthing stretch-marks as I am these. I mean, you can't really see them if you aren't looking unless I gather that chunk of akin together, but that doesn't stop me from being able to feel it. It's a bit of looseness I'm afraid wont bounce back. I don't know much about this infection other than what I've read on the Internet so I'll be asking my dr about it at our next visit.

Migraines and mommys don't match

Ugh. I have been fighting a massive migraine for most of the day. The oxycodone I took is finally kicking in so I feel good enough to stare at my phones screen long enough to do some stuff. But I was just about in tears (and slightly nauseous whenever Paul got upset. I'm very grateful it's a grandparent day for Erin cause I'm not sure I could have handled them both alone. It's not Paul's cries that make my stomach turn but the shushing noises to make him calm down. I'm in my house right now hiding from the sun and hoping my ears stop ringing. Even though I took medicine my face around my left eye still feels bruised like someone punched me really really hard. ugh. I'm going back to bed before my head explodes.


* I was going to include a picture of an exploding head but I almost threw up doing an image search for one and decided against it. Just image one of the many exploding heads from JJ Abrams Fringe series (and yes, this can include the bleeding eye ones because with all the pressure my temple feels I would not be surprised).

Checking in

Let me just say, and please excuse my language, if you are going to take one (or both) of my children you'd better damn well answer my calls! My biggest fear is loosing them so when you don't answer my texts or phone calls I get anxious and start to worry. This is even more true when you repeatedly don't answer me... Especially I'd you are going a long distance or time I need those check-ins to happen. I understand people can't always get to their phone immediately. But when you are watching someone else's child be sure and call back as soon as you see the call/text.
For repeat offenders I will be forced to not allow this situation to have the possibility of arising again so that I won't have to worry about it. I do appreciate your willingness to watch them even while you are busy, but i cant emotionally deal with it right now. Thank you.

Breastfeeding may not protect moms against MS relapse

Wed, Jul 6, 2011 (HealthDay News) -- Hopes that breastfeeding can reduce flare-ups of multiple sclerosis have been dimmed by recent research in Italy.
Researchers at the University of Florence found no support for prior studies connecting breastfeeding with lower disease activity for women with the degenerative nerve disorder commonly known as MS.
Instead, they determined that women who were sicker tended not to breastfeed, leading to the conclusion that some breastfeeding mothers had fewer relapses simply because they were healthier.
"Breastfeeding should not be encouraged as a protective factor without an accurate evaluation of the specific patient characteristics," said Dr. Emilio Portaccio, lead author and neurologist in the university's department of neurology. "Our study is important due to a lack of a consensus on whether breastfeeding should be advised against in order to resume therapy soon after delivery."
Women with MS are cautioned not to take medications while breastfeeding. The findings suggest that nursing may not be possible for women "with high disease activity," said Portaccio. Those women should be counseled that MS drug treatment soon after delivery should be an option, the authors said.
Multiple sclerosis, a progressive autoimmune disorder characterized by deterioration in physical coordination, affects about 400,000 people in the United States. It strikes women twice as often as men, with symptoms varying greatly from one person to another, according to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.
Typically, the disease goes into remission, sometimes for long periods of time, and flare-ups during pregnancy are rare, according to the society.
"The reason is not yet fully understood," said Portaccio.
But the effect of pregnancy on the course of the disease is "at best neutral," Portaccio said, noting that other autoimmune disease activity also declines while women are carrying children. During that time, an immune system "switch" changes from a "pro-inflammatory status to an anti-inflammatory status that promptly reverts after delivery." Symptoms then increase to an "even higher" level for a few months. Pregnancy is not believed to cause any long-term worsening of the disorder, however.
Several drugs are used to fight MS, which attacks myelin, the protective covering of nerve cells, causing inflammation. They are not considered safe for use during pregnancy, however.
For their study, the researchers looked at 298 women with full-term pregnancies from 2002 to 2008 at 21 MS treatment centers throughout Italy. Of those, about 34 percent breastfed their babies for at least two months. The remaining mothers, who breastfed for zero to two months, were labeled the non-breastfeeding group.
Follow-up lasted for a year. After adjusting for factors such as age and level of disability, the researchers found no significant difference in relapse rates between the breastfeeding and non-breastfeeding groups.
The only predictor of postpartum disease activity was the number of relapses before and during pregnancy, the researchers found.
The study, published online July 6 in Neurology, was conducted on behalf of the MS Study Group of the Italian Neurological Society.
The findings are "in line with what one might expect," said Dr. Fred Lublin, a neurologist at Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York City. "Healthier women tended to breastfeed."
The study "did not resolve the issue of breastfeeding," added Lublin, who is also director of the Corinne Goldsmith Dickinson Center for Multiple Sclerosis at Mount Sinai. "These studies are all observational and it's hard to draw a conclusion of cause and effect from an observational study." A controlled study is needed, he said.
One expert expressed concern about the study's methodology. Dr. Emmanuelle Waubant, a neurologist at the University of California San Francisco Multiple Sclerosis Center, said that grouping women who had breastfed for less than two months with those who did not breastfeed at all could have affected the findings.
"Breastfeeding affects hormone production," which could affect disease activity, said Waubant, who is also an associate professor of neurology at the university.
But Lublin, who did not share that concern, said the researchers had used established criteria for group selection set by the World Health Organization.

-- Ellin Holohan

Copyright © 2011 HealthDay. All rights reserved.

Post partum yuck

Since yesterday I've been feeling really really bad. Last night it felt like an ms onset (flu-like symptoms). My body was sooo very achie and I got so nauseous I couldn't even think about drinking water without it making me feel like I was going to vomit. This was after dinner when these feelings set in so I was lucky I had already eaten.

Toddler troubles

So since the c-section I haven't been allowed/able to lift Erin. This has made it especially difficult due to her timing. She has started the "testing phase", where she is constantly questioning her and our limits. This seems like it would be a hard phase to deal with anyway (not to mention exhausting). But since I am limited in what I do it seems even harder. I know I'm doing okay with it, but just barely. I'm so tired in the first place that I get frustrated easier. I know she's still a baby, sort of (toddlers are babies, right?), but it still irks me when she doesn't listen... Which seems to be a lot. But I know as I get better so will these parenting skills. I'm sure if she knew the word she'd call me a bitch sometimes, which I'm actually fine with.
But I was sitting there with Paul as dada gave Erin her bath and thought, honestly thought about it for the first time in a long time, about how it would be with my MS. It's not something I keen on thinking about but it sort of hit me: this is probably what it would be like with a flare up.. On a good day, which makes me worry just a bit. But that is something I will deal with when it gets there.

The dogs

I sincerely wonder sometimes if we should just get rid of the dogs... And even though I'm at the end of my rope when they get out and I sort of give up because I can't chase after them or do anything remotely other than wait for their return; I pray so very hard for their safe return. So much so that, lately with these hormones, I start to tear up.
And now my little girl is talking and she just loves call out their names: "pissy" and "ra"". She used to love trying to pet Tira and get in their kennel whenever she let them out of it. She still tries to pet them both but has found it's a lot easier to do after she "sneaks" them a doggie biscuit. Pixi will come into Erin's room while we do our nighttime routine with her, and we have to remind her to follow us out as we leave.
And now with baby boy... Pixi immediately became a protective guard dog; following whoever was holding him, going to his bedside when he cries, even sitting at my feet as I nurse him. Tira has become more receptive to Erin's advances and licks her face or even allowed her to lay down next to her and give her hugs.
Before Paul came, we started letting Pixi sleep out on a dog bed in the living room (which they take their naps during the day) at night so we could slowly transition her into sleeping with Erin in her room. At first it was fine, but she would come in to the bedroom in the middle of the night and want in her kennel with Tira. But now that Paul and I are sleeping in the living room she hasn't made that attempt and has firmly taken to the dog bed with us.
Now I don't know what I or Erin would do if anything were to happen to these four-legged family members, and I fear each time they get out that something might. I so easily forget how much they really are a part of our family, even though I've joked about them being like another set of children for me to be a mother to.
I know Chris and I seriously talked about getting rid of them, even before Paul was on his way, but now I don't see that as a possibility. Not only would we as owners miss them, but Erin would too much. I don't think I could do that to her. So as much as they sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) drive me bananas, I don't think we will be getting rid of them any time soon.
Chris and I have come up with a few ideas on what to do to keep them from getting out, now it's just a matter of getting the supplies (and time) to implement it.

Little Miss Fussy-Butt

Today she was moody, yesterday she was fussy and she's been all over trying and pushing boundaries... all part of growing up.
Yesterday was just another Sunday that was difficult. I don't know why it's Sundays, but those are usually her worst days. Maybe we just do too much the week before. But yesterday was another one of those days. I thought it'd be good, but she's teething so is fussy. I had to keep telling her no, which made her throw fits and cry... and I just don't know what to do when she does that. It makes me feel helpless. I couldn't find my car keys, or purse, and was trying to get ready for church. Erin wouldn't let me change her dirty diaper, or change her outfit (which turned out to be too small so I had to chase her around and change her outfit again!). Then when I put the dogs away, she went in and let them out and got mad when I wouldn't let her and had to physically take her out of the room. She put stuff in the tub and turned on the water (in my bathroom) as well as put her hands in a toilet to retrieve some toys she just dropped in. When I picked her up to wash her hands she got mad and crying. I got so much snot on my sunday clothes... but I was worried when I was washing her hands that I was hurting her because I had to push her into the sink to hold her up (I only have so many hands). I was worried about her stomach. Not a good morning. I felt rushed and frustrated. But was able to keep my cool through most of it (except in finding my purse... didn't find it until today).
But like I said, it wasn't a day I couldn't handle, which made it a good day. I jsut have to remember, she's just a baby and it's not her fault. This is a learning experience for her and it's better that she learn things she's not supposed to do now rather than when she's older. (I had to deal with this a little today with the dog food and electrical outlets). It's hard to keep that in mind and know what to do. I slap away her hand and she just keeps going back no matter how often I say no she just doesn't listen. She doesn't even acknowledge me when I say her name to get her attention. I just need to remember it's nothing personal, she's learning and I love her. Then when she reacts negatively to my repremands (her crying fits) I just have to walk away. I can't let that affect me either. Just make sure she's away from the bad things and go away until she calms down. I can explain it to her why, but I can't do what I want to (pick her up and comfort her crying) because that's negative reinforncement of what I want to teach.
I'm not saying that she shouldn't be held when she cries, on the contrary that's the first thing I want to do and often do do. When she gets hurt or scared or is tired and just needs to cry, I hold her and comfort her (now I immitate her saying "rock the baby" as I rock her in my arms). But I can't do that when she's crying because she's mad she can't do something she wants to that I don't want her to do. It's not fair to her to let her think that just because I tell her something "no"-wise doesn't mean she can't get out of it if she cries. I can't let in to my first reactions... and that's hard with a crying baby that I love. I do feel bad for her, but I know she's got to learn. I never understood that train of thought until I had a child. I just hope I can stay calm and keep my cool through this learning phase. Erin, I love you, you are so smart, I know you will learn quickly and easily. Just be patient with mama.

bad day

Bad Bad Bad day. It was a great start, but then when I changed her diaper, she wouldn't let me put a new one on, and I snapped. I tried the calm down thing with walking away, but then she still wouldn't let me. I couldn't stop crying and knew I had to do somehting before I did something bad. I wrapped her butt in a towel and tried my neighbors the Jordans, but they weren't home. So I took her to Lacy's. Spent a good long time over there, calming down. But the feelings stayed with me through the day. I ended up having to call Dr. Janet and setting up to see them. They were worried, which made me worse.

Grumpy Girl

Today was a bit rough. Erin's being more clingy than normal, I think it's because the daycare stuff. Ever since I started her in daycare she's become really hard to leave with strangers. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I wouldn't leave her with strangers anyway. She has started crying really hard and clinging onto me when I try and hand her over. The first day of daycare she didn't, she willingly went to the lady there, but since then it's been harder. She's gotten to where, after I leave her and they've finally distracted her enough that she quits crying, anytime someone enters the room... anyone entering... if it's not me she starts her hysterics again. It's very bothersome/worrysome. I know it's just a phase, but it's really hard to deal with when I need to leave her (like church) with someone. I don't know how to fix this. She sort of went through a similar phase when she was 7 months, but it wasn't this bad, and it got fixed after a while. But now... now it's crazy. It's exhausting.
And so I had to leave her today at church at the nursery, which she's gone to plenty of times before and been fine. And I thought she'd be okay (because she seems better with people she knows, and she knows them sort of). When I was checking her in she even started walking off to go in, but she had a hold of my finger, so I couldn't let her in because I wasn't done checking her in. By the time I was done the girl tried to take her and Erin freaked out. It was aweful! I spent most of church praying about her. I thought it was all under control until the last five minutes. I recieved a text saying that Erin needed me. Before church I had been looking forward to the idea that I could get a chocolate chocolate-chip muffin there after service for breakfast. I was really looking forward to it. But when I got to Erin she was inconsolable, so I just took her and headed home. We did stop by McD's to see Chris and grab some food. Fries made the tears go away for a little bit. And when we got home she took her nap.
I thought the fits would be done when she awoke, and I knew Patty was coming to get her in a little while after she got up. So I put in one of her Classical Baby DVDs and she immediately was mezmerized ( for that whole "I'm awake but not really ready to move" phase these DVDs are great). She sat down right in front of the TV, which is a bit close for me (I realize TVs have changed over the years, but I always remember hearing you shouldn't sit closer than 4 feet for your eyes' sake, so I still try to keep to that and have been trying to get Erin to follow it too). So I asked her to come sit with me a few feet away. She just ignored my requests. When I reached out for her and took hold to pull her back to me she freaked out: she flailed her arms, arched her back, started crying and yelling. It was aweful. I felt horible. All I wanted to do was sit with her in my lap, or at least beside me, and I couldn't. Every time I even touched her she started again. I finally just grabbed her and held onto her while she screamed and cried and flailed about. I tried to explain to her that we could watch it and that I just wanted to hold her, but I know she doesn't understand that quite yet. I started crying. All I wanted to do was hold my baby and it seemed she hated me when I touched her. We cried together for a little while and she finally realized I wasn't going to take her away, but she stayed stiff while watching the dvd. I felt so bad.
I've got to figure out how to make her less grumpy.
This morning she was very "dizzy" it seemed, so I'm taking her for a check tomorrow because I'm worried that her ear infection has gotten worse. She's not contagious, I know that much. No fever and her caugh is almost gone. She's recovering her voice even. But she was very off-balance today. She fell a couple of times when she shouldn't have and hit her head. Once when she was standing and holding onto something. She didn't slip or trip or anything, just "wham!" fell and hit her head. So that and the grumpiness makes me a bit worried. It's not that she's sick, she's just not acting herself, so I'm going to go have it checked.

Hit #2

So Erin gave me a bit of a scare today. She hit her head and scraped it up pretty good. She was playing at the dog door (which I watch her when she's at) and decided to go out it. This proceeded into a very nasty fall on her head. She got a big bump and a small cut. She immediately started crying... so hard she stopped making noise. It scared me sooo badly! I swooped her up and took her to the ER, but on my way there, she stopped crying and seemed to be calm... almost a little too calm and almost fell asleep. It worried me so much, but when I got there, she wasn't bothered very much by the bump. So I took her to the pediatrician instead (in the adjourning building... if it hadn't been I might have taken her to the minor emergency instead). She got in fairly fast (which is better than what I can say if I had taken her to the ER), and the doc said she was good and doing fine, just to watch her for the next 24 hours for anything weird. So, she is fine and doing well.

The darker side

While I was pregnant, I was not depressed. I was off medication for any and all mental problems (OCD, anxiety, and bi-polar). I had no problems (except some expected anxiety). Even after I gave birth to Erin I still didn't take medicine, nore did I feel a need for it. Erin was my "Prozac". I love her so much. But almost immediately when she turned 6 months, my period came back... and that's when I started experiencing depression. It wasn't just any old depression, it was PMDD. At the time I didn't know that's what it was, but that's what the doctors say it was. I had aweful thoughts: Suicide, hurting Erin, etc. It was not a good time. But just like that, it seemed to go away and I felt better... Cut to one month later, and the depression is back. This has happened right before each of my periods, each time worse than the last. That was another way they knew it was PMDD, because it came and went with my periods. It's such a scary thing, and I would silently suffer through it because I was so afraid someone would take away my baby if I told them what was going through my mind. But, at other times, I instinctively knew that it was better for her to be away from me, so I would try to give her to people to keep her away from me. Whatever you do, don't be afraid to tell someone.

Officially Teething

Erin is officially teething. She's been lethargic all day, and has been sleeping like magic (took a three-hour nap today). She's drooling and refusing food (so I've been nursing her a lot more). She's currently got a fever of 101.3... but since she's older than 6 months we're not supposed to call unless it reaches 103. We're worried about her, but are pretty sure it's just teething. Poor thing.

Sleepless Nights

Right now I'm suffering from insomnia (as you can tell by the time stamp on this post), but it is not due directly to Erin. But because I'm awake already I've been the one going and checking on her.
Let me restart: She was sleeping pretty well through the night, waking up only ever so often at 3-5am and then for the day at 7am. Chris would do hisi daddy duty and put her back to sleep at the 3-5 waking. In Peru she started waking up at around midnight, 3-5am, and 7am. I let this slide because she was not in her own bed, new environment, etc, etc. So I'd just nurse her back to sleep. She did fine and would fall right back until the next time slot.
But now that we are back she has gotten a whole new attitude towards sleeping. I can't get her to nap worth anything. It tires me out and I just can't deal with it sometimes. I cheat and it seems the only way she'll nap is if she nurses... but even then that does not work all the time. She just gets sooo tired! I don't understand, because I put her down at the first signs of sleepiness, and the moment she knows where she's going it's bloody-murder! You'd think I was pinching her all over or something! It's aweful and I just don't know what to do. I get so frustrated... I can barely get myself to walk away sometimes though. Sometimes I just pick her right back out and say "Okay, if you are awake enough to stand in your crib/cry that hard/etc you are gonna just be awake." I'll take her out and we'll go back out into the living room for some more play time. I don't want to have to nurse her to get her to nap because I know that's "bad association", but I'll be darned if that isn't exactly what I have to do most of the time. Everyone else seems to be able to get her to just pop right off to sleep for a nap, though.
Maybe it is just the seperation anxiety... that must be what happens at night, too.
I'm glad Chris puts her to sleep at night, but she knows that I'm not there and he's having a harder time getting her to stop crying. She knows the routine, I don't know why she doesn't go with it and accept that it's daddy time and not mommy time.
But anyway, back to what I was saying in the begining: She's waking up at 12/1am and crying crying crying! In Peru it wasn't hard to handle because her crib was right there, I'd get her before she woke up anyone else and nurse her back to sleep. But I don't want to keep doing that.
I've been sending Chris in to take care of her, but I know it's been wearing on him as well. Tonight was a different night. I decided that since I've got this insomnia (that's been pestering me for a while now, and it's just getting worse since I've been back. I really gotta get this under control) I'd just get her before it got too out of hand and nurse her. So at midnight when she started crying I did just that. I cheated and nursed her back to sleep. But that didn't do the trick this time. She woke up again about 30 minutes later. She's just stopped crying. Almost two hours later. It's so quiet I'm kind of scared.
I tried so hard to console her. I gave her her paci multiple times without avail. I put origel on her gums in case it was tooth pain. I knew it wasn't hunger so I didn't bother nursing. But I did eventually pick her up and try and rock her, sing to her, and walk around with her. She only stoped crying for a second when I started walking... but only a second or two. It was bad. I had to set her down she was squirming so much. I rubbed her belly. She remained "swaddled" in the wombie, but that just seemed to piss her off more (I wonder a little bit if it's the detergent because it got washed with regular stuff rather than Dreft, and it's kind of the first batch of stuff that's got a bit stronger smell to it than normal. Just in case I'm gonna rewash it when I wake up).
I had to just walk away. I called the Blue Cross Baby hotline, but it's really only for pregnancy up till 6 weeks (newborns), so they told me to check for fever and stuff (which she doesn't have). I tried calling my pediatrician, but unless I wanted the emergency triage people I had little options except to wait to call until the morning... which is what I'm going to do.
So, after some pacing, I sat in the living room with tears and the video monitor watching as Erin rolled around and banged her head against things (which only made her cry louder). It was a good hard cry for an hour and a half, and then another 30 minutes of intermitten sobs and short bursts. It always sounds like she's in pain, so I don't know what it could be.
After crying a bit myself, I looked up possible things of what it could be. The internet kept saying "night terrors". Some other suggestions were teething (which the oragel should have fixed almost immediately), seperation anxiety, and gas.
All I know is she's asleep and I'm tired. My mind keeps racing and I've gotta get it under control so I can be a good mom for Erin. I'm just greatful that Chris is able to watch her when she wakes up... I just wish he would get up right away when she gets up. But that's another blog.
I'd better get some sleep... after I check on her. Night.

PPD getting better

It doesn't bother me when people that have never had kids say that they don't understand how someone could shake a baby... but it does bother me when a parent says it. It bothers me because I found it hard sometimes when I would get frustrated. Please understand how hard that is to say. I love Erin soooo much! But I'd be tired (and in pain sometimes) and she'd be so tired she'd be crying so hard and wouldn't go to sleep... and when they tell you to gently shake/rock the baby to sooth her... I can see how it could easily get out of hand. I never let it, but I can see how it happens.

Anyway, I tried to explain to someone the other day how easy it would be, and they were adimant about how they felt. I felt soooo bad. I felt like the worst person ever. I thought people knew how it felt that had kids.

Today it didn't bother me... which was a nice surprise. It bothered me, but it didn't bother me like that. I wanted to cry with her, because I felt bad for how she was feeling. I felt empathetic instead of frustrated... which was a very nice change. A releif, to say the least.

PPD

Okay, so it's been hitting me hard this week. There are times when I just want to scream and yell at Erin to shut up! Times when she's so tired (and I'm so tired) that she won't go to sleep and she just cries so hard. It scares me what I will/can/do do. I try not to think about it, I try not to act on things... but it's hard. I love her so much, but I get so frustrated. I don't know how to explain it, because I'm trying not to think about it.

It started last Thursday and has lasted through this week. It got so bad that by Sunday I was ready to just hand her over to whomever. I just wanted to drop her off and never come back. Monday I went to see Dr. Janet. I told her my feelings. oye. It's hard. I've calmed down but I still... oye.

And being depressed I haven't eaten as well as I should or drank as much as I should, and it was affecting my milk supply. I told Chris my milk was low and it was hurting to nurse her. He made me feel so guilty. It's not like I knew what I was doing! I don't want to hurt her... and I didn't mean to if I did. And I hate how Chris made me feel about the low milk. I didn't realize I wasn't eating or drinking enough until today. I mean, I was depressed! I didn't notice. So now I have to really watch it.

Baby Blogging

I want people to realize I haven’t been blogging as much (a) because with Erin I haven’t had as much time, and (b) also because I have a lot in the journal where I’m documenting (mainly complaints about the breastfeeding). Not a lot. But emotionally a lot is there. And I don’t want to look back and remember those feelings… and I don’t want Erin to look at this later and go “wow, she really hated me.” Because I don’t. I don’t ever want her to feel that way. I feel like our bond is growing, I just wish I was able to be better at it and not in so much pain when we spend time together. I feel like a bad mother. I know I’m not but just let me vent it out. I don't feel like holding her close all the time, even though I really want to, because my nipples hurt so much it hurts to wear shirts sometimes. I haven't been talking to her like I should, because I'm sort of on auto-pilot. I want to be in the moment, but I'm always thinking ahead, like I always have.
I can’t tell when she’s hungry or just crying. I keep thinking that every time she cries I should just pop her on my boob, but I know that’s not the only reason she cries, so I don’t. It makes me want to cry. It seems like I can’t be around her without her being suddenly overcome with hunger. I am not a bad mother but it feels like I can’t be around her unless she’s hungry, and so she’s always in other people’s arms. That’s what makes me a bad mother. I’m not passing her off, but it feels like I am. I’m just the food source, but I want that bond that other people are getting. I want to spend time with my baby, and not just the feeding machine. I want to be able to hold her and have fun with her. I get so jealous of everyone else that gets to come and visit because she’s fine and fun with them. With me it seems all business “come on, lets eat.” I don’t want these early moments to slip away, and I don’t want to behoove everyone else the joy of holding and being around her. But I want my time to do it too when I’m not just holding her to feed her. Let’s face it, when the mother refers to it as feeding instead of nursing, there are some issues; Because you feed an animal, but you nurse your child. It's too business-y and I don't want that. This is my child and I love her... so very very much. I hate how these feelings creep in. I just need some "us" time, I guess.

Picture Perfect Parent?

I've realized how many pictures I’m not in with her. It’s not because I feel fat, because I don’t. I know that that is a common complaint from mothers and why they didn’t take pictures with their children so soon after childbirth. It’s because I’m always the one taking the pictures. But I really miss not being in the pictures with her. I hope she doesn’t look back on them and go “Mommy who?”

Where's my time?

Sometimes I feel like a character on one of those cop shows and that I should be wearing an ankle bracelet. Since Chris has made the request that I no longer drive, I feel trapped sometimes. Which is weird, since I go out almost daily. I just feel I can't do it on my own.
At first I was like "who do you think you are?! Telling me, a wonderfully independent woman, what to do? Telling me I can't drive my own vehicle?!" But the closer I get to the due date, the more I understand. I don't want to be stuck in Tulsa's traffic with contractions going. I know very very few people really have babies on the side of the road in the back of their vehicle (unless you go by movie statistics). But that doesn't stop me from worrying about the actual contractions happening then. I mean, right now I get 1 to 2 contractions a day, but they've started coming at random times (yes, Braxton Hicks). So I don't want one of them to come while I'm driving and take away my concentration.
But all that doesn't stop me from feeling trapped sometimes. I felt so overwhelmed the other day, a couple of days after the shower. I kept looking around the house at what needed (what I wanted) to be done, and realizing I couldn't do it myself. I couldn't lift the boxes, I couldn't bend over to pick up stuff, I couldn't drive anywhere to get away... I felt completely useless... and helpless. It's not a fun feeling and it's hard to grasp sometimes. But I have been blessed to have people come out and help me.
Unfortunately, that's one of the things that made me feel like a prisoner, too. I'm never alone! N-E-V-E-R! Last night was the first time I didn't have a "changing of the guards" and actually had a few hours to myself... of course, I didn't know what to do with myself, but that's besides the point.

Getting On My (Sciatic) Nerves

OK, so with MS I've had Sciatica before. But it was always in my left side. I had heat therapy for it and other methods of pain relief even up to going to the midnight ER for steroid shots it. But now...
Sciatic nerve pain (not full on sciatica) has been hitting me to wake me up, and it gets where I can't go back to sleep. I know it's a pregnancy thing at this point. It was, originally, just hitting me in one side at a time. But now it hits one side, stays, and hits the other. So no matter which side I turn to lay on it is there! I do have to say that it is the most annoying thing about the pregnancy so far.
LBG has me on a timer: When she wants me to get up and get moving, she sends the shooting pain through my sciatic nerves and makes it so tossing and turning is useless.
I don't know if it's because I'm in a different bed right now or not (I've been down at Yale for the past few days and the both sides thing has happened every morning). I know I got it at least one side in my normal bed, but I also remember turning over and it being okay. We have the memory foam on the bed at the house. It was always my right side there. I'll keep a mental note and do a status report after I get back to my normal sleeping arrangements (although the more I think about it the more I think it might have started that way, but it was like this before I came down to Yale, too). I mean, she is getting bigger, so it's entirely possible its now in both legs.
And it's not like this is full-on sciatica (like it can get with MS), so far it's just really annoying pain in my... outer thighs (you thought I was going to say butt!). But I know it's along the sciatic nerve because I've dealt with that beast so many times.
It's not LBG's fault, she's just settling into her "final" position. It's just amazing the timing she has. According to her scheduling, she'll start the labor around 9/10 am. We'll see how true that prediction is in a little over a month (OMG! JUST A FEW WEEKS!).
Most people start to feel this paid around the third trimester, but they get it when they're standing or sitting. I do think it's a bit odd that I get it when I lay down, and feel better when I'm up and about. If I'm sitting right after it doesn't go completely away, but it's a very dull sensation that is ignorable. That's what I'm doing now, and I have to concentrate on the feeling to describe it, because it's on it's way out for the day... I hope.
I'm a little worried about it during labor. Is sciatic nerve pain something I need to worry about during labor? Does it rear it's ugly head at that time, or should it be past that point? They say (okay, and you've gotta understand whenever I say "they say" I'm talking about the people from What to Expect) that it'll continue a little past pregnancy as my hips realign themselves.
I always feel like I'm talking about a car when I say realign. But it's true. My hips have been popping more and more these last few weeks. At first it was just getting out of bed, which is understandable given the struggle it can be sometimes with the covers. But now, it's even simply getting out of the car. In fact yesterday, when I was getting out of the car, I had to stop for a second to prevent that from happening because I could feel it press against the sciatic nerve for a moment while it tried. I didn't want double the pain because of that. I mean, my hip popped before I was pregnant quite a bit, too, but now I'm aware of it for different reasons.
Anyway, if you know about sciatic pain and pregnancy, please let me know if it happens during labor.