Baby Blogging

I want people to realize I haven’t been blogging as much (a) because with Erin I haven’t had as much time, and (b) also because I have a lot in the journal where I’m documenting (mainly complaints about the breastfeeding). Not a lot. But emotionally a lot is there. And I don’t want to look back and remember those feelings… and I don’t want Erin to look at this later and go “wow, she really hated me.” Because I don’t. I don’t ever want her to feel that way. I feel like our bond is growing, I just wish I was able to be better at it and not in so much pain when we spend time together. I feel like a bad mother. I know I’m not but just let me vent it out. I don't feel like holding her close all the time, even though I really want to, because my nipples hurt so much it hurts to wear shirts sometimes. I haven't been talking to her like I should, because I'm sort of on auto-pilot. I want to be in the moment, but I'm always thinking ahead, like I always have.
I can’t tell when she’s hungry or just crying. I keep thinking that every time she cries I should just pop her on my boob, but I know that’s not the only reason she cries, so I don’t. It makes me want to cry. It seems like I can’t be around her without her being suddenly overcome with hunger. I am not a bad mother but it feels like I can’t be around her unless she’s hungry, and so she’s always in other people’s arms. That’s what makes me a bad mother. I’m not passing her off, but it feels like I am. I’m just the food source, but I want that bond that other people are getting. I want to spend time with my baby, and not just the feeding machine. I want to be able to hold her and have fun with her. I get so jealous of everyone else that gets to come and visit because she’s fine and fun with them. With me it seems all business “come on, lets eat.” I don’t want these early moments to slip away, and I don’t want to behoove everyone else the joy of holding and being around her. But I want my time to do it too when I’m not just holding her to feed her. Let’s face it, when the mother refers to it as feeding instead of nursing, there are some issues; Because you feed an animal, but you nurse your child. It's too business-y and I don't want that. This is my child and I love her... so very very much. I hate how these feelings creep in. I just need some "us" time, I guess.