Friday, October 8, 2010

The darker side

While I was pregnant, I was not depressed. I was off medication for any and all mental problems (OCD, anxiety, and bi-polar). I had no problems (except some expected anxiety). Even after I gave birth to Erin I still didn't take medicine, nore did I feel a need for it. Erin was my "Prozac". I love her so much. But almost immediately when she turned 6 months, my period came back... and that's when I started experiencing depression. It wasn't just any old depression, it was PMDD. At the time I didn't know that's what it was, but that's what the doctors say it was. I had aweful thoughts: Suicide, hurting Erin, etc. It was not a good time. But just like that, it seemed to go away and I felt better... Cut to one month later, and the depression is back. This has happened right before each of my periods, each time worse than the last. That was another way they knew it was PMDD, because it came and went with my periods. It's such a scary thing, and I would silently suffer through it because I was so afraid someone would take away my baby if I told them what was going through my mind. But, at other times, I instinctively knew that it was better for her to be away from me, so I would try to give her to people to keep her away from me. Whatever you do, don't be afraid to tell someone.

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