On My Own

Today was my first day home with Erin without Chris. I didn’t realize how much I missed him being around. I survived fairly well. Erin finished her early morning feed and we both slept in the living room (her in her swing, and I on the couch). Then we had our mid-morning feed, and just in time Chris called and asked if we wanted anything to eat. Patty brought by food, and then Mom came by soon after to help take care of stuff. She stayed with me most of the day, which was nice. I was able to take a nap and whatnot. I’m more confident I could do stuff with Erin being the only other person in the house.

On-Demand Feeding

Last night was the last straw… no more “on demand” feedings! I know it’s recommended, but in my opinion she’s not getting enough to eat. Last night she slept for over 6 hours, and she would have slept longer if I hadn’t woken her up. It was pretty ridiculous! Because then she ate for over 2 hours. Yesterday she ate a total of four times, which is half of the recommended amount. We’re going back to the schedule. We’re not going to be ridgid on it, but we are going to go every 2-3 hours of feeding during the day, and no more than 4 hours between at night. I think that’ll help out a lot. Yesterday during the day she went 4+ hours between feedings during the day. No wonder she was so hungry when she ate! Ugh, it was just not good. I mean, I understand the whole feeding on demand thing, but it just doesn’t work all the time. At first it was working because her demand put her at every 2-3 hours. But now it’s just not.
Also I’ve decided that at night I’m going to move her into the nursery to feed her, because it’s been really uncomfortable how comfortable it is when feeding her in bed. It worked well when I was first needing it, but now that I’m feeling better and she’s falling asleep more during feedings, it’d be good to be in the nursery to change and burp her easier as well as be able to turn on the lights and sounds. I know that Patty said not to turn it on and just go in and do it quickly and quietly, but the problem is she just falls asleep while feeding and doesn’t get enough, which keeps me awake because each time I burp her she wakes up enough to realize she wants more. There’s a point when she’s too tired to suck, and I just don’t want that happening any more either. So that suggestion is also out the window, Sorry.

Deny Deny Deny

Last night I denied Erin food. I feel aweful about it! “I’m such a bad mother… bad wife” bad mother because I fed her for quite some time, and I was sore because she latched on so heartily in the wrong way, so my nipples were really really sore. And after the dinner feeding I didn’t think I could handle another long feeding, and I had finally passed the massive pooh… after Chris had to do the mineral oil suppository. I felt so bad for him having to do such a thing. But I’m very greatful for it! It is something I will have to remember. I think the combination of that and the previous feeding wore me out so much. But she just kept crying and rooting for me. I thought she’d stop once she calmed down, but I guess it took Chris forever to calm her down. I didn’t realize it until I got up that he had taken her into the living room and had to place her in the swing. To keep an eye on her he slept on the couch. What an aweful selfish person I am! I denied my child food and my husband sleep, aweful feelings fall on me now. I was just so tired… not an excuse. It won’t happen again. I promise to never deny her food again!
After saying that, we had the longest feeding ever. On 1 breast at 1 time over an hour (66 min), and almost half an hour on the other. It was a good feeding… no soreness or anything. Great placement, which was good, because I was so engorged from denying her. In fact, I was still able to pump almost 2 oz in each breast (after just 20 minutes… I was going to go a full 30, but I was already at 50 ml! I just can’t believe there’s more left! It’s noon and I’m already starting to fill up again! Just a few more minutes till feeding time anyway.
Still applying diaper rash cream, and noticed a bit of dryness on her stomach around the diaper area. I’m guessing it’s from the alcohol. We should apply the skin cream the doctor told us about.
I was looking at the hearing test thing, and the dogs barking doesn’t bother her… should this worry me? She recognizes voices and looks towards nois, just doesn’t worry with the dogs. I guess it’s a good thing, because we don’t like to kee pt he house quite with her around. It’s good, I guess. Just a bit of a worry wart.
As far as other milestones – Erin has been smiling since day one.
Figuring out this whole breastfeeding thing. Do I feed on demand or on schedule? Was doing schedule, but thinking on demand is probably best.

Rolling Over

Last Night, early this morning, during one of her feeds, Erin rolled herself over onto her stomach! It was so cute! She kind of rolled herself up into a ball and stuck her butt up in the air.

Contractions

For the past few days I've been feeling contractions, mainly in the evening or after I've eaten. It's been a bit of a dissappointment when nothing happens, so I didn't want to report having them most of the day yesterday. I could hear it in Chris' voice each morning I told him I was feeling fine and the contractions were gone. He had gotten so excited the nights before. I feel bad for having let him down. But it happens, and he's been really good at being understanding.

LBG's Big Day

Well, LBG's big due date has come and gone, and now it's the date of induction. I'm so very nervous and scared. I cried last night for a good little while while Chris comforted me. Stupid hormones. It's just such a scary thing. I mean, it's not. A lot of people go through it, and over half of all pregnancies go past the EDD. But it scares me. I don't know why. But part of me already feels like a failure as a mother. I know it's silly and sad that I think this, and it's only a very small part of the thoughts that creep into my head. I know it's fully not justified in thinking and that I'll be a damn good mom, but that doesn't stop the thought from approaching. It makes me cry every time. And I know this is not my fault, I know that it's no one's fault. It's just God's will, and there is a reason for it. I'm just so scared.
It's odd, I think I was less scared thinking that I'd just randomly go into labor. It's odd that the controled way is what scares me. I think it's because I am actually thinking about the process. My mind goes through the steps of what will happen, rather than just going "and I could just go into labor at any time" and not think about what the steps are. When I was watching for the signs of labor I had to keep my mind there, in the present, in case I missed a sign. But now, I have time to think... and that's never a good idea.
I'm fine, and please don't worry. Just keep me in your prayers. I know God will give me the strength to get through this, and that He'd never give me anything I can't handle. I'm just scared is all, and I wanted to note the feelings for myself for later reference. So if I start crying in your presence, please understand: it's not you, and I know I shouldn't be worried. I'm just scared. And I know the outcome will be such a great joy it will overwhelm these feelings I have right now. I think the worst part right now is the waiting. But LBG will come and all will be good.

Superbowl Super Yuck

WARNING: This one is very graphic.

Last night, around half-time, I noticed a clear mucus-like discharge when I went to the bathroom. It was a whole lot in amount (I'd say a tsp worth). It was clear and shiney. The thing is, it's been constantly like that. The same amount just about every time. I was afraid that it was amniotic fluids, but it's too mucus-like. I kept looking it up, and amniotic fluid is supposed to be water-like. So the consistancy is wrong. I wish I knew what it was and what it ment.

Baby come out

"Baby come out!" Chris keeps saying to my belly. I know everyone is ready for the day LBG makes her big appearance. It's making me anxious as well. I think I'm ready... pretty sure so. I'm just waiting for it to all happen. I've worried as much as I can worry, and I've done as much as I can to prepare, so I should be at the right spot. (I think) I'm ready for LBG to make her first appearance into this world.
The question is: what to do till then? Just because Chris has decided, and I have decided, and everyone else has decided that it's time doesn't mean she has. It's gotten to the point it's hard to call anyone without immediately going "this is not an emergency" or "I'm not at the hospital". I feel bad everyone else is waiting too, but I know they're waiting for something super amazing and special... I just hope it doesn't hurt too much.
I know that it's going to, supposed to, because God has set it so, but... still. Anyway; the thing that bugs me most is not knowing. As dissorganized as I appear, I like to be a little in control. So I guess I just have to hand this all over to God and say aloud "Okay, this is in your hands. LBG can come whenever she wants."
That said and done, now what? Patience really is a virtue.

Headaches and Head Aches

Right now I'm debating weither or not to take Tylenol or Tylenol Sinus. I've got a headache that's starting to be piercing.
Today has been busy. We had an early day at the doctors and I didn't sleep that well last night. So it's been considerably long. We walked around a lot of places, Target really pissed me off/annoyed me today. But we got that all sorted out, glad Chris was there. We walked around the super Target in Tulsa, Woodland Hills Mall, and Baby Depot. So I've done a lot of walking. And driving over the snowy spots has been bumpy driving.
Yesterday I sortof did pre-labor stuff, like ride on a bumpy road, walk around (with Mom we walked around Hobby Lobby a bunch), and ate some slightly spicy food (do biscuts and gravy count?). Oh, also I baked... so I did a bit of nesting.
But anyway, today has been a long day, and I've got a major headache. that feels like pierces in my head.
But no baby today. Chris is getting anxious/excited. But yesterday brought about lots of worrry to me. I mean... this is really happening. REALLY happening. It's such an overwhelming feeling. I mean, and not knowing when it's going to happen, how much it's going to hurt, or anything! It's so scarry! I am truely scared, and I know I have to just give it into God's hands. But it truely worries me. I mean, what is this labor thing?! How am I supposed to deal with it? What is it going to be like? I'm so scared about the whole thing... not knowing is scary.
Chris keeps saying that it's all worth it, and it is... but it's just going to be more worrying: I mean, what's going to happen when she's older/outside of my protection?
Anyway, I just worry a lot, I know. But with pregnancy and labor being so close I'm extra emotional. Chris is being so good about everything. He's good at comforting me.

Dr. Day

Well, today I went to the doctors... again. My blood pressure was up, not much: 123/87. But we had a double duty on the doctors appointment.
When we first went in, at 8:30am (urgh), I had to do the pee test. Then they strapped me to a couple of monitors. One monitored LBG's heartrate and the other monitored and the other monitored for contractions. I didn't really have any contractions. She moved around a little bit here and there, so her heartrate fluxuated more than I've normally seen (from 120-155). There was one instance the doctor came in and thought I was having a contractiong, but really it was just LBG streaching out.
I stayed hooked up for about 30 minutes, but no major stresses, so they took me in to the ultrasound room to do some measurements. We found out LBG is actually going to be a small baby, despite my worry. She's 7.4 lbs apx... which means she could be anywhere from 6.4 to 8.4 lbs. But she's healthy, even practicing breathing on the monitor. She likes to lay on her side (a lot!).
The pelvic exam showed that there's no change. I'm still about a 1 cm, slightly soft, and posterior. She had to "go searching" for my cervix... not a fun thing for me that's for sure. It's not the first time for that either, but... anyway... That was the only part that really hurt. I know that if labor pains are the same as the pain that feels like, I'm definetly getting an epidural.
But basically: Everything's the same. No change.
Dr. S said she didn't want me to go past the 10th, so we're scheduled to go in on the 9th to be induced. Half of all deliveries are done past term. But it's no big deal to induce because it's better to do so than let the baby go too far past term. She's not too big for me to deliver, so that's not a big worry.
I guess on the 9th (if I don't deliver before then) they give me something to soften and open me up, and then I stay the night (Chris will be staying with me). Then on the 10th, they start checking me and give me the stuff that starts labor (Pitocin) in the morning. I should start labor soon after. So I will deliver LBG no later than the 10th.