Cellulitis scaring

After The c-section for Paul I got a bacterial infection around my incision called cellulitis. No, this is not what women complain about having on their thighs and butt, it's an actual infection caused by Streptococcal or staphylococca bacteria which can enter through the cesarian scar. This is how mine came about, causing my incision site to ooze slightly then have other symptoms: skin red and warm to the touch, some pain (if any, but I attribute that to the massive amount of drugs I was already taking for the pain), fever, chills, and inflammation of skin around the incision. My inflammation wasn't around but rather above the incision. I don't think I would have even noticed something was wrong if it hadn't been for the bloody tape over the seuteurs. I remembered that with Erin's c-section I didn't have blood showing. So I called attention to it. And I'm glad I did, cause if the infection got too bad I would have had to stay at the hospital even longer.
But now that my belly is somewhat flattening out I am able to see the scaring a little better. I could always feel it though... The inflammation made my skin look and feel like red cottage cheese. It was numb where the infection was and has slowly started to get feeling back. But now my loosened skin reveals an even more stretch-mark type of battlefield. It still feels a bit like cottage cheese is under my skin's surface: normal skin tightness and elasticity with bits and chunks of stretched non-elastic skin mixed in at random. It feels very odd. I'm not as worried about my real birthing stretch-marks as I am these. I mean, you can't really see them if you aren't looking unless I gather that chunk of akin together, but that doesn't stop me from being able to feel it. It's a bit of looseness I'm afraid wont bounce back. I don't know much about this infection other than what I've read on the Internet so I'll be asking my dr about it at our next visit.

Checking in

Let me just say, and please excuse my language, if you are going to take one (or both) of my children you'd better damn well answer my calls! My biggest fear is loosing them so when you don't answer my texts or phone calls I get anxious and start to worry. This is even more true when you repeatedly don't answer me... Especially I'd you are going a long distance or time I need those check-ins to happen. I understand people can't always get to their phone immediately. But when you are watching someone else's child be sure and call back as soon as you see the call/text.
For repeat offenders I will be forced to not allow this situation to have the possibility of arising again so that I won't have to worry about it. I do appreciate your willingness to watch them even while you are busy, but i cant emotionally deal with it right now. Thank you.

Toddler troubles

So since the c-section I haven't been allowed/able to lift Erin. This has made it especially difficult due to her timing. She has started the "testing phase", where she is constantly questioning her and our limits. This seems like it would be a hard phase to deal with anyway (not to mention exhausting). But since I am limited in what I do it seems even harder. I know I'm doing okay with it, but just barely. I'm so tired in the first place that I get frustrated easier. I know she's still a baby, sort of (toddlers are babies, right?), but it still irks me when she doesn't listen... Which seems to be a lot. But I know as I get better so will these parenting skills. I'm sure if she knew the word she'd call me a bitch sometimes, which I'm actually fine with.
But I was sitting there with Paul as dada gave Erin her bath and thought, honestly thought about it for the first time in a long time, about how it would be with my MS. It's not something I keen on thinking about but it sort of hit me: this is probably what it would be like with a flare up.. On a good day, which makes me worry just a bit. But that is something I will deal with when it gets there.

Worry Wart

So this is Paul's belly button. His umbilical cord has just fallen off and there is a large amount of pus with some blood oozing from it coming from the stump.

Schedule

Paul's schedule is all sorts of backwards! I mean, it's past 2 am and I still haven't gone to sleep... And that's after trying to from about 10pm yesterday on! I am not upset, like how I was when Erin did this kind of thing, I'm remaining calm. But I'm afraid of how it's going to effect me when Erin wakes and I have to watch the both of them alone (while still not able to lift her). I know I get real short fused when I don't get enough sleep so I'm going to have to watch it (because I know Erins at the testing phase).
Anyway, he sleeps so much during the day I almost forget he's awake all night and start to worry that he's not awake enough. He doesn't oversleep during the day. He's very reliable in getting his food about every two hours (a schedule he has set for himself, I might add). But then he goes right back to sleep. By the time the night comes I forget and think he'll continue this routine... But he doesn't. Urgh. It's so tiring. If it was just him it'd be different because i could rest when he does too. But with active Erin, I really need these few hours of sleep. Speaking of which: goodnight.

The dogs

I sincerely wonder sometimes if we should just get rid of the dogs... And even though I'm at the end of my rope when they get out and I sort of give up because I can't chase after them or do anything remotely other than wait for their return; I pray so very hard for their safe return. So much so that, lately with these hormones, I start to tear up.
And now my little girl is talking and she just loves call out their names: "pissy" and "ra"". She used to love trying to pet Tira and get in their kennel whenever she let them out of it. She still tries to pet them both but has found it's a lot easier to do after she "sneaks" them a doggie biscuit. Pixi will come into Erin's room while we do our nighttime routine with her, and we have to remind her to follow us out as we leave.
And now with baby boy... Pixi immediately became a protective guard dog; following whoever was holding him, going to his bedside when he cries, even sitting at my feet as I nurse him. Tira has become more receptive to Erin's advances and licks her face or even allowed her to lay down next to her and give her hugs.
Before Paul came, we started letting Pixi sleep out on a dog bed in the living room (which they take their naps during the day) at night so we could slowly transition her into sleeping with Erin in her room. At first it was fine, but she would come in to the bedroom in the middle of the night and want in her kennel with Tira. But now that Paul and I are sleeping in the living room she hasn't made that attempt and has firmly taken to the dog bed with us.
Now I don't know what I or Erin would do if anything were to happen to these four-legged family members, and I fear each time they get out that something might. I so easily forget how much they really are a part of our family, even though I've joked about them being like another set of children for me to be a mother to.
I know Chris and I seriously talked about getting rid of them, even before Paul was on his way, but now I don't see that as a possibility. Not only would we as owners miss them, but Erin would too much. I don't think I could do that to her. So as much as they sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) drive me bananas, I don't think we will be getting rid of them any time soon.
Chris and I have come up with a few ideas on what to do to keep them from getting out, now it's just a matter of getting the supplies (and time) to implement it.

Grumpy Girl

Today was a bit rough. Erin's being more clingy than normal, I think it's because the daycare stuff. Ever since I started her in daycare she's become really hard to leave with strangers. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I wouldn't leave her with strangers anyway. She has started crying really hard and clinging onto me when I try and hand her over. The first day of daycare she didn't, she willingly went to the lady there, but since then it's been harder. She's gotten to where, after I leave her and they've finally distracted her enough that she quits crying, anytime someone enters the room... anyone entering... if it's not me she starts her hysterics again. It's very bothersome/worrysome. I know it's just a phase, but it's really hard to deal with when I need to leave her (like church) with someone. I don't know how to fix this. She sort of went through a similar phase when she was 7 months, but it wasn't this bad, and it got fixed after a while. But now... now it's crazy. It's exhausting.
And so I had to leave her today at church at the nursery, which she's gone to plenty of times before and been fine. And I thought she'd be okay (because she seems better with people she knows, and she knows them sort of). When I was checking her in she even started walking off to go in, but she had a hold of my finger, so I couldn't let her in because I wasn't done checking her in. By the time I was done the girl tried to take her and Erin freaked out. It was aweful! I spent most of church praying about her. I thought it was all under control until the last five minutes. I recieved a text saying that Erin needed me. Before church I had been looking forward to the idea that I could get a chocolate chocolate-chip muffin there after service for breakfast. I was really looking forward to it. But when I got to Erin she was inconsolable, so I just took her and headed home. We did stop by McD's to see Chris and grab some food. Fries made the tears go away for a little bit. And when we got home she took her nap.
I thought the fits would be done when she awoke, and I knew Patty was coming to get her in a little while after she got up. So I put in one of her Classical Baby DVDs and she immediately was mezmerized ( for that whole "I'm awake but not really ready to move" phase these DVDs are great). She sat down right in front of the TV, which is a bit close for me (I realize TVs have changed over the years, but I always remember hearing you shouldn't sit closer than 4 feet for your eyes' sake, so I still try to keep to that and have been trying to get Erin to follow it too). So I asked her to come sit with me a few feet away. She just ignored my requests. When I reached out for her and took hold to pull her back to me she freaked out: she flailed her arms, arched her back, started crying and yelling. It was aweful. I felt horible. All I wanted to do was sit with her in my lap, or at least beside me, and I couldn't. Every time I even touched her she started again. I finally just grabbed her and held onto her while she screamed and cried and flailed about. I tried to explain to her that we could watch it and that I just wanted to hold her, but I know she doesn't understand that quite yet. I started crying. All I wanted to do was hold my baby and it seemed she hated me when I touched her. We cried together for a little while and she finally realized I wasn't going to take her away, but she stayed stiff while watching the dvd. I felt so bad.
I've got to figure out how to make her less grumpy.
This morning she was very "dizzy" it seemed, so I'm taking her for a check tomorrow because I'm worried that her ear infection has gotten worse. She's not contagious, I know that much. No fever and her caugh is almost gone. She's recovering her voice even. But she was very off-balance today. She fell a couple of times when she shouldn't have and hit her head. Once when she was standing and holding onto something. She didn't slip or trip or anything, just "wham!" fell and hit her head. So that and the grumpiness makes me a bit worried. It's not that she's sick, she's just not acting herself, so I'm going to go have it checked.

Hit #2

So Erin gave me a bit of a scare today. She hit her head and scraped it up pretty good. She was playing at the dog door (which I watch her when she's at) and decided to go out it. This proceeded into a very nasty fall on her head. She got a big bump and a small cut. She immediately started crying... so hard she stopped making noise. It scared me sooo badly! I swooped her up and took her to the ER, but on my way there, she stopped crying and seemed to be calm... almost a little too calm and almost fell asleep. It worried me so much, but when I got there, she wasn't bothered very much by the bump. So I took her to the pediatrician instead (in the adjourning building... if it hadn't been I might have taken her to the minor emergency instead). She got in fairly fast (which is better than what I can say if I had taken her to the ER), and the doc said she was good and doing fine, just to watch her for the next 24 hours for anything weird. So, she is fine and doing well.

The darker side

While I was pregnant, I was not depressed. I was off medication for any and all mental problems (OCD, anxiety, and bi-polar). I had no problems (except some expected anxiety). Even after I gave birth to Erin I still didn't take medicine, nore did I feel a need for it. Erin was my "Prozac". I love her so much. But almost immediately when she turned 6 months, my period came back... and that's when I started experiencing depression. It wasn't just any old depression, it was PMDD. At the time I didn't know that's what it was, but that's what the doctors say it was. I had aweful thoughts: Suicide, hurting Erin, etc. It was not a good time. But just like that, it seemed to go away and I felt better... Cut to one month later, and the depression is back. This has happened right before each of my periods, each time worse than the last. That was another way they knew it was PMDD, because it came and went with my periods. It's such a scary thing, and I would silently suffer through it because I was so afraid someone would take away my baby if I told them what was going through my mind. But, at other times, I instinctively knew that it was better for her to be away from me, so I would try to give her to people to keep her away from me. Whatever you do, don't be afraid to tell someone.

Sleepless Nights

Right now I'm suffering from insomnia (as you can tell by the time stamp on this post), but it is not due directly to Erin. But because I'm awake already I've been the one going and checking on her.
Let me restart: She was sleeping pretty well through the night, waking up only ever so often at 3-5am and then for the day at 7am. Chris would do hisi daddy duty and put her back to sleep at the 3-5 waking. In Peru she started waking up at around midnight, 3-5am, and 7am. I let this slide because she was not in her own bed, new environment, etc, etc. So I'd just nurse her back to sleep. She did fine and would fall right back until the next time slot.
But now that we are back she has gotten a whole new attitude towards sleeping. I can't get her to nap worth anything. It tires me out and I just can't deal with it sometimes. I cheat and it seems the only way she'll nap is if she nurses... but even then that does not work all the time. She just gets sooo tired! I don't understand, because I put her down at the first signs of sleepiness, and the moment she knows where she's going it's bloody-murder! You'd think I was pinching her all over or something! It's aweful and I just don't know what to do. I get so frustrated... I can barely get myself to walk away sometimes though. Sometimes I just pick her right back out and say "Okay, if you are awake enough to stand in your crib/cry that hard/etc you are gonna just be awake." I'll take her out and we'll go back out into the living room for some more play time. I don't want to have to nurse her to get her to nap because I know that's "bad association", but I'll be darned if that isn't exactly what I have to do most of the time. Everyone else seems to be able to get her to just pop right off to sleep for a nap, though.
Maybe it is just the seperation anxiety... that must be what happens at night, too.
I'm glad Chris puts her to sleep at night, but she knows that I'm not there and he's having a harder time getting her to stop crying. She knows the routine, I don't know why she doesn't go with it and accept that it's daddy time and not mommy time.
But anyway, back to what I was saying in the begining: She's waking up at 12/1am and crying crying crying! In Peru it wasn't hard to handle because her crib was right there, I'd get her before she woke up anyone else and nurse her back to sleep. But I don't want to keep doing that.
I've been sending Chris in to take care of her, but I know it's been wearing on him as well. Tonight was a different night. I decided that since I've got this insomnia (that's been pestering me for a while now, and it's just getting worse since I've been back. I really gotta get this under control) I'd just get her before it got too out of hand and nurse her. So at midnight when she started crying I did just that. I cheated and nursed her back to sleep. But that didn't do the trick this time. She woke up again about 30 minutes later. She's just stopped crying. Almost two hours later. It's so quiet I'm kind of scared.
I tried so hard to console her. I gave her her paci multiple times without avail. I put origel on her gums in case it was tooth pain. I knew it wasn't hunger so I didn't bother nursing. But I did eventually pick her up and try and rock her, sing to her, and walk around with her. She only stoped crying for a second when I started walking... but only a second or two. It was bad. I had to set her down she was squirming so much. I rubbed her belly. She remained "swaddled" in the wombie, but that just seemed to piss her off more (I wonder a little bit if it's the detergent because it got washed with regular stuff rather than Dreft, and it's kind of the first batch of stuff that's got a bit stronger smell to it than normal. Just in case I'm gonna rewash it when I wake up).
I had to just walk away. I called the Blue Cross Baby hotline, but it's really only for pregnancy up till 6 weeks (newborns), so they told me to check for fever and stuff (which she doesn't have). I tried calling my pediatrician, but unless I wanted the emergency triage people I had little options except to wait to call until the morning... which is what I'm going to do.
So, after some pacing, I sat in the living room with tears and the video monitor watching as Erin rolled around and banged her head against things (which only made her cry louder). It was a good hard cry for an hour and a half, and then another 30 minutes of intermitten sobs and short bursts. It always sounds like she's in pain, so I don't know what it could be.
After crying a bit myself, I looked up possible things of what it could be. The internet kept saying "night terrors". Some other suggestions were teething (which the oragel should have fixed almost immediately), seperation anxiety, and gas.
All I know is she's asleep and I'm tired. My mind keeps racing and I've gotta get it under control so I can be a good mom for Erin. I'm just greatful that Chris is able to watch her when she wakes up... I just wish he would get up right away when she gets up. But that's another blog.
I'd better get some sleep... after I check on her. Night.

PPD getting better

It doesn't bother me when people that have never had kids say that they don't understand how someone could shake a baby... but it does bother me when a parent says it. It bothers me because I found it hard sometimes when I would get frustrated. Please understand how hard that is to say. I love Erin soooo much! But I'd be tired (and in pain sometimes) and she'd be so tired she'd be crying so hard and wouldn't go to sleep... and when they tell you to gently shake/rock the baby to sooth her... I can see how it could easily get out of hand. I never let it, but I can see how it happens.

Anyway, I tried to explain to someone the other day how easy it would be, and they were adimant about how they felt. I felt soooo bad. I felt like the worst person ever. I thought people knew how it felt that had kids.

Today it didn't bother me... which was a nice surprise. It bothered me, but it didn't bother me like that. I wanted to cry with her, because I felt bad for how she was feeling. I felt empathetic instead of frustrated... which was a very nice change. A releif, to say the least.

PPD on Meds

So I'm on meds now, my 3rd day. Just Welbutrion. I'm a little worried about how it'll affect Erin. I'm doing better, but, you know, since I've had it around me I've been doing better.

The only problem is my milk supply... it is extremely low! It hurts so much when she gets to the end of her feeding. Almost like a needle. I'm trying to be good and drink and eat more, but it's really hard. It's hard to remember, and it's hard to get time sometimes to do anything, let alone eat. I don't know. I know my doctor (Sorenson) reccomended Zoloft because it has little/no effect on her. Welbutron's not supposed to be bad for her, but I'm supposed to watch her attitude (if she becomes docile, non attentive, and whatnot). I didn't know that until today, oye. I'm a bit worried. I need to tell her doctor (first thing tomorrow).

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Sometimes, when Chris puts her to sleep and she's crying so hard and then she suddenly stops... it scares me. Because I know how frustraiting it is, and I know how tightly he holds her. I worry. I get scared.

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Life is getting better. I'm just worried... and low.

I did get a sudden high, but now I've leveled off, still in a funk... but not as dangerous. Last tuesday I still wanted to run away. I fought the urge badly over a couple of days but now I'm better. I've been talking things over with Chris a lot more. And things are getting better with communication.

PPD

Okay, so it's been hitting me hard this week. There are times when I just want to scream and yell at Erin to shut up! Times when she's so tired (and I'm so tired) that she won't go to sleep and she just cries so hard. It scares me what I will/can/do do. I try not to think about it, I try not to act on things... but it's hard. I love her so much, but I get so frustrated. I don't know how to explain it, because I'm trying not to think about it.

It started last Thursday and has lasted through this week. It got so bad that by Sunday I was ready to just hand her over to whomever. I just wanted to drop her off and never come back. Monday I went to see Dr. Janet. I told her my feelings. oye. It's hard. I've calmed down but I still... oye.

And being depressed I haven't eaten as well as I should or drank as much as I should, and it was affecting my milk supply. I told Chris my milk was low and it was hurting to nurse her. He made me feel so guilty. It's not like I knew what I was doing! I don't want to hurt her... and I didn't mean to if I did. And I hate how Chris made me feel about the low milk. I didn't realize I wasn't eating or drinking enough until today. I mean, I was depressed! I didn't notice. So now I have to really watch it.

Too Young for TV

Wow, this is something I've worried about a little lately and today recieved this article. So I just had to share it. So, no more TV time, Erin. Sorry. It's gonna be hard to do, but it's for you so I can do it.


Too Young for TV?
Is time in front of the boob tube bad for baby? In a word, yes. But in the real world, TV happens. Here's how to turn it on in moderation (and without guilt!).
While the AmericanAcademy of Pediatrics recommends no tube at all for kids under two, it's the rare parent who doesn't turn to Sesame Street or Baby Einstein for an occasional, sanity-saving break. At her age, your baby gleans little from even a so-called educational program, so avoid TV whenever you can. But don't guilt yourself to death if you flip it on from time to time.


If you need a break from holding or entertaining your baby, or you need to chop the veggies for tonight's dinner -- or simply grab a shower—set your baby up in a seat or on a blanket with a few toys, in a spot where you can see and hear each other. She'll enjoy that just as much as Elmo or the Teletubbies. Listening to music (it doesn't have to be kiddie tunes!) will often lengthen the time she's willing to sit solo.


When you do turn on the set, try to make it a do-together activity instead of a babysitting session. Talk about what you see ("That doggie looks just like Aunt Susan's!") and explain what's happening ("The boy is painting a picture—he is using a pretty blue color"). Stick to shows designed especially for small children, without distracting commercials.


If you've been in the habit of leaving the TV on for company, now's the time to stop. Otherwise, your baby may grow accustomed to its constant noise and lights, and expect the Great Entertainer to be on all the time. Before you know it, she'll be big enough to demand the shows and characters she neeeeds to see and want to watch them instead of engaging in other kinds of brain-building, muscle-building play.

LBG's Big Day

Well, LBG's big due date has come and gone, and now it's the date of induction. I'm so very nervous and scared. I cried last night for a good little while while Chris comforted me. Stupid hormones. It's just such a scary thing. I mean, it's not. A lot of people go through it, and over half of all pregnancies go past the EDD. But it scares me. I don't know why. But part of me already feels like a failure as a mother. I know it's silly and sad that I think this, and it's only a very small part of the thoughts that creep into my head. I know it's fully not justified in thinking and that I'll be a damn good mom, but that doesn't stop the thought from approaching. It makes me cry every time. And I know this is not my fault, I know that it's no one's fault. It's just God's will, and there is a reason for it. I'm just so scared.
It's odd, I think I was less scared thinking that I'd just randomly go into labor. It's odd that the controled way is what scares me. I think it's because I am actually thinking about the process. My mind goes through the steps of what will happen, rather than just going "and I could just go into labor at any time" and not think about what the steps are. When I was watching for the signs of labor I had to keep my mind there, in the present, in case I missed a sign. But now, I have time to think... and that's never a good idea.
I'm fine, and please don't worry. Just keep me in your prayers. I know God will give me the strength to get through this, and that He'd never give me anything I can't handle. I'm just scared is all, and I wanted to note the feelings for myself for later reference. So if I start crying in your presence, please understand: it's not you, and I know I shouldn't be worried. I'm just scared. And I know the outcome will be such a great joy it will overwhelm these feelings I have right now. I think the worst part right now is the waiting. But LBG will come and all will be good.

Baby come out

"Baby come out!" Chris keeps saying to my belly. I know everyone is ready for the day LBG makes her big appearance. It's making me anxious as well. I think I'm ready... pretty sure so. I'm just waiting for it to all happen. I've worried as much as I can worry, and I've done as much as I can to prepare, so I should be at the right spot. (I think) I'm ready for LBG to make her first appearance into this world.
The question is: what to do till then? Just because Chris has decided, and I have decided, and everyone else has decided that it's time doesn't mean she has. It's gotten to the point it's hard to call anyone without immediately going "this is not an emergency" or "I'm not at the hospital". I feel bad everyone else is waiting too, but I know they're waiting for something super amazing and special... I just hope it doesn't hurt too much.
I know that it's going to, supposed to, because God has set it so, but... still. Anyway; the thing that bugs me most is not knowing. As dissorganized as I appear, I like to be a little in control. So I guess I just have to hand this all over to God and say aloud "Okay, this is in your hands. LBG can come whenever she wants."
That said and done, now what? Patience really is a virtue.

Pregnancy Resource Center

There's a pregnancy resource center in Owasso, and it is awesome! The people there are super sweet and helpful. I went yesterday and set up an apt for today and did my first (and second) class.
One of the girls from McD, Joy, told me about it, and I'm really glad she did. It's got some really good resources and is Christian based (but they don't push that on you or anything).
So I'll be going once a week every week that I can. I can do so until LBG is 6 months old, then it's once every two weeks. But I take classes each week; basically watch a video and fill out some worksheets while I do so. Then I take home some homework and bring it back the next week. There are just about 55 classes I can take, but I've already missed a few because I'm so far along.
For each lesson I can earn "mommy money" (MM) and get free items (like diapers, clothing, even car seats!) for the MM I earn. I get $1 in MM by watching the video, completing the worksheet, completeing the homework, bringing in other people, and some other ways. But it's way awesome!
This weeks lesson was on breastfeeding. I watched a video, filled out some information from it, and have some homework. But they also had another class going on while I was there and let me take that one too! It was on dental health. The OU Dental Medicine school was doing it, which was cool. So I took that class too, and earned points. They do teeth cleaning, which I'm going to make Chris and I go to sometime, for $15! With or without insurance! So that's really nice.
So by the end of today alone I had $7 in MM. I was able to get some diapers and wipes, a much needed mattress pad, and some mittens and hats... and I had MM left over! It was great! Oh, I even got nursing bras for free, because the class I'd gone through.
The people were super helpful and answered my questions on a lot of stuff. I'm really excited about this place. They're providing me with so much information and making things available to me a lot. I'm excited to go back next week.
I'm going to have a normal class, I forget what on next week, but then they also have a birthing class at 6pm that I sort of signed up for, but I've got an Infant CPR class on that same day and time. So I'm not sure which to cancel. I'm going to talk it over with Chris and see which one he thinks.
Anyway, it's totally made my day and am super excited about the whole thing. Thank yous go out in general to Joy, the people at the PRC and God.

The Early Birds

Just another thing for me to worry about: early births. One thing I noted this last week was (in a personal view of those close to me) an amazingly high... actually alarming number of preterm babies. Out of the 4 other people I know to be pregnant and due around my date: 3 of them have already delivered! There's only me and 1 other girl I know that are actually still on track. This is such a scary thing. I looked up the causes to pre-term babies, and it doesn't make sense with the other girls. Some possible causes are:
smoking, alcohol use, drug abuse, inadequate weight gain, inadequate nutrition, gum infection, other infections (such as STDs, rubella, urinary tract infections, amniotic fluid infection), hormonal imbalance, incompetent cervix, uterine irritability, chronic maternal illness, and pacenta previa.
I didn't realize this, but it is fairly common and occurs in 1 out of 10 pregnancies!

Worries

As I sit here tonight, waiting on my last batch of shortbread, I was reading an article on SIDS... and it scares the crap out of me! Such a horrible thing. I just keep praying LBG has a long and healthy life and that nothing like that ever becomes a factor for mine or anyone else's children. It's such a scary thing. Even though she's not even born yet, it worries me. Some of things the article tells not to do are things I wouldn't have thought about, and things I worry I'll do anyways (like put things in her crib... they said not to even put a bumper on!).
I fear the days I can't take care of her. I know she's somewhat safe right now, but... there's so much to be afraid of with children. How does anyone survive the worrying?!
She will be loved, because she is already loved. It's just late, and been a long day. So I worry. I just want to be able to take care of her and protect her when I need to. She scares me enough being inside me (like when she's being inactive or I'm feeling sick or fall down)... but at least I feel I can protect her somewhat in there, to some extent. Now that the due date is getting closer, it's getting harder and harder not to worry.
It'll be all right, right? Absolutely. I just have to keep repeating that to myself and praying a lot.

Life's Coming At Us Quick

Wow... it doesn't seem like "just yesterday", but it does seem like it wasn't that long ago I had a whole different look on life.
I never thought I'd be the domesticated type... I guess Chris just brings that out in me... and I have no idea how/why.
I always imagined being independent, single, and without boundaries. I look back on parts of my life and cringe... and wonder "will she be like that?" I just feel like a contradiction sometimes.
But life is coming, and she's coming fast. I would never change having her and I thank the Lord for bringing Chris into my life. He's made my world so much better.