Schedule

Paul's schedule is all sorts of backwards! I mean, it's past 2 am and I still haven't gone to sleep... And that's after trying to from about 10pm yesterday on! I am not upset, like how I was when Erin did this kind of thing, I'm remaining calm. But I'm afraid of how it's going to effect me when Erin wakes and I have to watch the both of them alone (while still not able to lift her). I know I get real short fused when I don't get enough sleep so I'm going to have to watch it (because I know Erins at the testing phase).
Anyway, he sleeps so much during the day I almost forget he's awake all night and start to worry that he's not awake enough. He doesn't oversleep during the day. He's very reliable in getting his food about every two hours (a schedule he has set for himself, I might add). But then he goes right back to sleep. By the time the night comes I forget and think he'll continue this routine... But he doesn't. Urgh. It's so tiring. If it was just him it'd be different because i could rest when he does too. But with active Erin, I really need these few hours of sleep. Speaking of which: goodnight.

Grumpy Girl

Today was a bit rough. Erin's being more clingy than normal, I think it's because the daycare stuff. Ever since I started her in daycare she's become really hard to leave with strangers. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I wouldn't leave her with strangers anyway. She has started crying really hard and clinging onto me when I try and hand her over. The first day of daycare she didn't, she willingly went to the lady there, but since then it's been harder. She's gotten to where, after I leave her and they've finally distracted her enough that she quits crying, anytime someone enters the room... anyone entering... if it's not me she starts her hysterics again. It's very bothersome/worrysome. I know it's just a phase, but it's really hard to deal with when I need to leave her (like church) with someone. I don't know how to fix this. She sort of went through a similar phase when she was 7 months, but it wasn't this bad, and it got fixed after a while. But now... now it's crazy. It's exhausting.
And so I had to leave her today at church at the nursery, which she's gone to plenty of times before and been fine. And I thought she'd be okay (because she seems better with people she knows, and she knows them sort of). When I was checking her in she even started walking off to go in, but she had a hold of my finger, so I couldn't let her in because I wasn't done checking her in. By the time I was done the girl tried to take her and Erin freaked out. It was aweful! I spent most of church praying about her. I thought it was all under control until the last five minutes. I recieved a text saying that Erin needed me. Before church I had been looking forward to the idea that I could get a chocolate chocolate-chip muffin there after service for breakfast. I was really looking forward to it. But when I got to Erin she was inconsolable, so I just took her and headed home. We did stop by McD's to see Chris and grab some food. Fries made the tears go away for a little bit. And when we got home she took her nap.
I thought the fits would be done when she awoke, and I knew Patty was coming to get her in a little while after she got up. So I put in one of her Classical Baby DVDs and she immediately was mezmerized ( for that whole "I'm awake but not really ready to move" phase these DVDs are great). She sat down right in front of the TV, which is a bit close for me (I realize TVs have changed over the years, but I always remember hearing you shouldn't sit closer than 4 feet for your eyes' sake, so I still try to keep to that and have been trying to get Erin to follow it too). So I asked her to come sit with me a few feet away. She just ignored my requests. When I reached out for her and took hold to pull her back to me she freaked out: she flailed her arms, arched her back, started crying and yelling. It was aweful. I felt horible. All I wanted to do was sit with her in my lap, or at least beside me, and I couldn't. Every time I even touched her she started again. I finally just grabbed her and held onto her while she screamed and cried and flailed about. I tried to explain to her that we could watch it and that I just wanted to hold her, but I know she doesn't understand that quite yet. I started crying. All I wanted to do was hold my baby and it seemed she hated me when I touched her. We cried together for a little while and she finally realized I wasn't going to take her away, but she stayed stiff while watching the dvd. I felt so bad.
I've got to figure out how to make her less grumpy.
This morning she was very "dizzy" it seemed, so I'm taking her for a check tomorrow because I'm worried that her ear infection has gotten worse. She's not contagious, I know that much. No fever and her caugh is almost gone. She's recovering her voice even. But she was very off-balance today. She fell a couple of times when she shouldn't have and hit her head. Once when she was standing and holding onto something. She didn't slip or trip or anything, just "wham!" fell and hit her head. So that and the grumpiness makes me a bit worried. It's not that she's sick, she's just not acting herself, so I'm going to go have it checked.

PPD

Okay, so it's been hitting me hard this week. There are times when I just want to scream and yell at Erin to shut up! Times when she's so tired (and I'm so tired) that she won't go to sleep and she just cries so hard. It scares me what I will/can/do do. I try not to think about it, I try not to act on things... but it's hard. I love her so much, but I get so frustrated. I don't know how to explain it, because I'm trying not to think about it.

It started last Thursday and has lasted through this week. It got so bad that by Sunday I was ready to just hand her over to whomever. I just wanted to drop her off and never come back. Monday I went to see Dr. Janet. I told her my feelings. oye. It's hard. I've calmed down but I still... oye.

And being depressed I haven't eaten as well as I should or drank as much as I should, and it was affecting my milk supply. I told Chris my milk was low and it was hurting to nurse her. He made me feel so guilty. It's not like I knew what I was doing! I don't want to hurt her... and I didn't mean to if I did. And I hate how Chris made me feel about the low milk. I didn't realize I wasn't eating or drinking enough until today. I mean, I was depressed! I didn't notice. So now I have to really watch it.

Baby Blogging

I want people to realize I haven’t been blogging as much (a) because with Erin I haven’t had as much time, and (b) also because I have a lot in the journal where I’m documenting (mainly complaints about the breastfeeding). Not a lot. But emotionally a lot is there. And I don’t want to look back and remember those feelings… and I don’t want Erin to look at this later and go “wow, she really hated me.” Because I don’t. I don’t ever want her to feel that way. I feel like our bond is growing, I just wish I was able to be better at it and not in so much pain when we spend time together. I feel like a bad mother. I know I’m not but just let me vent it out. I don't feel like holding her close all the time, even though I really want to, because my nipples hurt so much it hurts to wear shirts sometimes. I haven't been talking to her like I should, because I'm sort of on auto-pilot. I want to be in the moment, but I'm always thinking ahead, like I always have.
I can’t tell when she’s hungry or just crying. I keep thinking that every time she cries I should just pop her on my boob, but I know that’s not the only reason she cries, so I don’t. It makes me want to cry. It seems like I can’t be around her without her being suddenly overcome with hunger. I am not a bad mother but it feels like I can’t be around her unless she’s hungry, and so she’s always in other people’s arms. That’s what makes me a bad mother. I’m not passing her off, but it feels like I am. I’m just the food source, but I want that bond that other people are getting. I want to spend time with my baby, and not just the feeding machine. I want to be able to hold her and have fun with her. I get so jealous of everyone else that gets to come and visit because she’s fine and fun with them. With me it seems all business “come on, lets eat.” I don’t want these early moments to slip away, and I don’t want to behoove everyone else the joy of holding and being around her. But I want my time to do it too when I’m not just holding her to feed her. Let’s face it, when the mother refers to it as feeding instead of nursing, there are some issues; Because you feed an animal, but you nurse your child. It's too business-y and I don't want that. This is my child and I love her... so very very much. I hate how these feelings creep in. I just need some "us" time, I guess.

Baby come out

"Baby come out!" Chris keeps saying to my belly. I know everyone is ready for the day LBG makes her big appearance. It's making me anxious as well. I think I'm ready... pretty sure so. I'm just waiting for it to all happen. I've worried as much as I can worry, and I've done as much as I can to prepare, so I should be at the right spot. (I think) I'm ready for LBG to make her first appearance into this world.
The question is: what to do till then? Just because Chris has decided, and I have decided, and everyone else has decided that it's time doesn't mean she has. It's gotten to the point it's hard to call anyone without immediately going "this is not an emergency" or "I'm not at the hospital". I feel bad everyone else is waiting too, but I know they're waiting for something super amazing and special... I just hope it doesn't hurt too much.
I know that it's going to, supposed to, because God has set it so, but... still. Anyway; the thing that bugs me most is not knowing. As dissorganized as I appear, I like to be a little in control. So I guess I just have to hand this all over to God and say aloud "Okay, this is in your hands. LBG can come whenever she wants."
That said and done, now what? Patience really is a virtue.

Baby Doctor

Another weekly baby doctor visit has come and gone... and been scheduled again for next week. I figure as long as she keeps scheduling me, she's not worried about LBG coming out.
I had a slightly higher blood pressure from my norm, but nothing out of the normal range. Other than that, I'm at 1cm and 50% effaced (I had to look up what that ment: it's the cervical lining thining... I think). I've been having bad headaches lately that don't go away with tylenol, so I had to report that, too.
Like last night, I woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep till after 7 because I was waiting on the headache to subside, and then the heartburn. But that's beside the point.
My doctor is really great and all, but these pelvic exams are a bit rough. I bled after this one, too, but not until a few hours later (that dr apt was at 11:30a, but I didn't notice it till after 3:30p). As much as pelvic exams aren't funny, this one kind of was. LBG moved away from the doctor back up into what seemed like my throat really quickly when the doctor was doing the exam. It startled the doctor, and we all kind of laughed about it. She hadn't had that reaction before from a baby in the womb!
Anyway, all seems to be on track. 1cm and 50% effaced doesn't mean anything, unfortunately. I mean it could be tomorrow or it could be two weeks. Some women stay at 1cm for weeks, apparently.
Anyway, I'm tired. Had a long, busy day of doctors and returns. I'm going to take a nice relaxing shower, and then to bed. Have a good night yourselves!

Pregnant vs MS

Today is the first day during the pregnancy that I've felt like I had MS again. I was tired, and my legs were all tingly for a few hours. Everything felt heavy, and it was hard to do stuff, even decorate the miniature tree we have. I couldn't bring myself to tackle the big one. I resigned myself to taking a nap even. First time in a while I've done that.
But I have to look at not what's happened today, but this past week. It's Thanksgiving week, so of course, it's been busy. (more on Job)
There was one other weird feeling I had today, that I think is pregnancy related, but got me a little worried. On my lower abdomen, close to my navel, I had a sensation of needle pricks. Not one at a time, but a line of a bunch of them. And not pins and needles, or the tingly feeling, but scratchy pointy needles, all at once... in a line. It's still there, it comes and goes now, but it lasted a while. I thought maybe LBG scratched me, because it felt like it was coming from inside. It's got to be one of the odder sensations, and has me a bit worried. But, I'm sure it's nothing. Just wanted to document that it started today, sometime before I took my nap because I remember feeling for it when I laid down and it was still there.
Alright, I should try to get some sleep.